If I keep this up I will not have any normal male friends....

So I decided to go out for a nice night out with a friend who is going through a rough time at the moment and said to myself before hand that I would keep it nice and slow with the drinks, plus we were meeting up with an old friend who I hadn't seen in sometime....And I had butterflies about seeing him again...don't know exactly why but I did. So I pick up my friend who Im going to codename-Tiffany, since she loves Tiffany jewelry as much as Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's", and we head to the spot that my other friend picked out...we get there and are completely blown away from the environment that it showers you with...there is no real type set there...there are older people, younger people, mixed couples, creepy people and here we were two women, one of which wanted to drink her sorrows away in this spot on another planet...then walks in my old friend who we are going to codename-Jacob, since its his middle name and the name of a friend we both have...so Jacob me and Tiffany are sitting and talking and drinking when the very person who broke little Tiffany's heart walks in....that is another story...long story short there was alot of arguing, yelling drinking and then I took her home....after that I meet Jacob downtown at a club named Neo- good thing it was ladies night since I paid nothing :) So I meet Jacob there...we have some drinks and then the little shit kisses me...now our past wasn't ever a sexual one...we even used to yell and fight like brothers and sisters when we worked together but tonight it was a whole new me and him....there were long kisses....holding back cravings and then giving in to them....every time I kissed him I would say "I cant" but then kiss him again....every time he would hold my hand and kiss me deeply I would say "No" but then end up back in his arms.....I just wanted to get the night over with...I tried walking away....getting fresh air....smoking a cigarette-which I never do, and then he takes it from me and tells me its bad for me....he was a sweetheart one minute and a horn dog the next lol....and then the inevitable occur ed....yep we did it...and not only that but we did it in my car....I dont want to sound like a slut now...he was no stranger to me and we are both adults.....but I must say buzzed or drunk whatever I was....I never felt so dam sexy in my life.....then when I dropped him off at his car we did it again in his car.....now what made it more sexy and a turn on is the fact that hes a cop and the fact that we screwed in his cop car made it so much better.....I dont know now what to do or say....Im in such shock and confusion that I cant sleep....God why me....I need to get my priorities straight.....this is not what I planed for my life....

How often do you cry?

I don't know exactly what happened to me as a child or while growing up but for some reason I cant seem to really cry when I'm supposed to. I can be in one of the saddest situations with a group of people or experiencing great joy or anger and cant seem to cry..I cant stand the idea of crying in front of people..I know its a self-conscience thing that is linked to my ego and pride but I really do wish I wouldn't care what people would say and just cry...I want to cry..and all these held in tears and emotions are causing me to tear up when I'm alone...I cant go one time to the restroom to "tinkle" and not shed at least one tear..I cant be watching a Disney movie in my room or during one of the times I go by myself to the movies and not tear up or choke when someone dies or is happy with bliss...but even then I feel dumb for wanting to cry and stop as soon as possible.....I dont want to be seen weak and vulnerable....but isnt that what women are supposed to be....I just dont get it....I almost cried today as I saw a bird putting together a nest outside a window at school....it was so pure and real...makes me want to laugh now thinking of it...

I can still smell his aftershave on me..

WHY??????Why is it that we sometimes feel lonely and do things that we regret...that we feel so empty and alone when we are full of love and surrounded with people..we are just so insecure with ourselves so we surround ourselves then with people we don't know and do things we don't always do, or even condemn other people for doing...we are hypocrites festering within ourselves....After the events pass we then are left with a lingering sense of what happened..it could be the visual third-person memory of it, the faint yet constant smell everywhere you are...a certain sound or song that you heard then and cant get out of your head...these things just stick to you with a shit load of guilt attached to them telling you..that's what you get....that's what you get for doing what you did....do it again...I DARE YOU.!!!!!!

Date night...

So this past friday I dicided it was time to meet one of the guys I was talking to online and see how the date goes..First thing I had to do was text or email him to see if he was available..His name is Mike and he seemed really sane with the messages we have sent back and forth for the past month and was even ok with the fact that I sometimes never replied to some of his messages. His picture he sent me was also decent so I said "What the hell...let me give it a shot". So I sent him a simply "Hey, What are you up to tonight?"...Reply "Nothing much just getting out of work..what about you...you wanna hang out?"..Now he has sent me that message before and I would always blow him off so thats why I dicided to choose him.I then simply replyed "Sure...you just say where and when!"..I like to do that since it gives him the illusion that it was all his idea of going out and give him control of the area...that way I can see what hes all about..So we then dicide to go play put-put at a nearby mini-golf course called Castle mini-golf off of Gladiolous...nice little course. We meet out in the parking lot and say our official Hello's and shake hands...who shakes hands lol...I can see he is digging me, for the first thing he did was look at my breast and then we headed to the paystation..then a small conversation began:
Mike-So your from here originally or what?
Me-Yep born and raised...a mexican cracker I like to call myself..
Mike-Yeah me too...Went up north for school but came back..

now let me fill you in about Mike...He is 28, and medical sales person and lives with his mother for the time being, now I understood he went through an unemployment moment so that was the reason, he also went to school and FSU and seemed smart..slightly cocky...also I hate to judge on looks but he wasnt the best looking guy...at all...

He payed for the game-23.50..I offered but he insisted..
then the game began..we spoke of our favorite music, past times, hobbies, likes and don't likes, pets,family, sports and education plus a touch on government...I know what didnt we talk about..

He then started feeling alittle embarassed since I was beating me and even tried to though my hand or graze my butt non-chilant lol...I was having a goodish time but he was I could tell diggin me more then I to him...plus he would stare at my breast everytime he could...why?
at the last hole he stole a kiss and I was nice enough to return it since he did pay..he then got us some icecream and I thought it was the end...turns out we were the last ones to play so once we turned in our sticks they shut off the lights ...I found it a little wired walking in the dark with a guy I just met..but he was nice walking me to my car...thats when things got odd....as I was saying goodbye to him he took the chance and kissed me and kind of pinned me to my car..I was honestly going through a dryspell in the date department so I was flattered and returned it aswell...he got a little intense in his kissing then started to hump me..OK...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????? I THEN STOPPED HIM SAID GOOD NIGHT AND ENDED MY DATE NIGHT...why must these things happen to me....loll....why?

Travel

I really don't have a post, post to write at the moment. I am doing something I believe all should do when you have hit my point in life. Don't let any excuses exclude you from doing so either. I am traveling. I will have a more detailed and picturesque point of view of my trip but I will go ahead and tell you of the places Ive seen so far by geographical location. I started in San Diego, CA, in the Coronado Bay Resort. From there I headed to Las Vegas for two days the Grand Canyon for an afternoon and then the Yosemite National Park. Again this is just a brief blog and the ones to follow at the end of the week or maybe even the beginning of next week will be very very detailed and full of great pics. .....
I say this again to make my self clear to you. You need to see what is out there and how people are living their lives in order for you to even remotely somewhat live yours.

That is all for tonight I will try to at least give you a preview tomorrow.

One more note for anyone who cares.


I LOVE CALIFORNIA :)

Day One

So today my official first day to the beginning of my new life. I know that may sound a tad bit weird and even a little contradictory but it is what I will write. I woke up yet again, within my warm covers feeling completely at easy, yet a the same time not wanting to leave my blanket of safety. I woke at the early hours of 8:30.....O.K. I woke up at 9:30. :) I did a little bit of movement from my bed to the couch. I did a little soul searching with the T.V. and then after about an hour of nothing I got my big fat ass off the couch and got to cleaning. Cleaning clears my head and well it gets the place your in clean. lol. I really can't find a reason not to clean. A clean area helps the mind work better, allowing you to think about more important things. I then realized my beloved Martha Stewart was to be on at 10:30 on the Hallmark channel and so I took a jog on the treadmill I ha vent used since I bought about a month ago and watched her make things I will probably never use or need in my life. After my jog, just as I was about to finish cleaning the kitchen I got the call. What call you may ask? Well you see, I am in this new stage of my life due to a mistake I made and this call was what resulted do to it. This call was from a Human Resources Repersentive with the company I worked for (Did you catch the "Worked" part of it). She was calling me to inform me that I had a meeting with her Downtown today to discuss the outcome. Well I'm sure you guessed what it was.


Yep....I am starting all over because I was fired. That's right. I realize I should be a little ashamed or even embarrassed to commit this to you. And to be truthful I am, but I feel that the only way I can help anyone who needs it would be to be truthful. Isn't it said that "The truth will set you free". So I came out of the meeting jobless and to be yet again truthful a bit relieved. Now I know with today's job market and my age, getting a job again wont be easy. But I really am not sure if that's what I want to do off the back. As I mentioned earlier to you I have a very supportive family and they want me to take a break and relax. I plan on doing just that, Relax.....
I will of course not just sit in my own sorrow and expect people to pity me.

I plan on rediscovering myself.
I hope anyone who goes through such an ordeal takes this chance to due just that.
Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and ask yourself "Who am I?"
I hope you then take some time and find that answer instead of taking the easy road out and doing as others tell you.




Look at yourself deeply.
Look in the mirror, I mean really look into it..... Look into your eyes until it almost looks like anther perosn is looking back at you and then find out what it is you see....
Until next time.
Good day!

How to start....

We all must go through the proper steps in order to move forward, even if we don't find the need for them. In the beginning one must go through a process of thought. One must start to begin to ask themselves "What just happened?", "What am I to do?", "Who am I know" and "How am I to start over?". The beginning is never easy for anyone. Many cases include periods of time where for days to weeks, where you will just want to stay in bed, wanting to stay under the covers where you'll always be safe and think that maybe you will wake up from your bad dream or just stay at home and begin to see the world around you in a huge fuzz and everything will begin to fade in with eachother and nothing will really make any since. And others go through this period of acting in a delusional state for themselves and others around them, almost as nothing ever happened and everything is normal. It is all part of the process. Almost like in the steps of grivence. The first step in Denial. We will deny to ourselves and any of our loved ones around us. We will convice ourselves that everything is O.K.



Well take that time you need, I did. In fact I kindof am going through that period. I mean its only been less then four days since I have been told that I need to start over. I have stayed in bed some days. Other days I would wake up and try to keep myself busy and telling everyone that I am ok. Nobody wants to hear that your doing bad and that you are not taking things great. Especially if you are like me and have a past of taking bad news badly, or to be blunt I would cut myself as a child when I was given bad news or go through a deep and dark depression. I have now moved from those periods of my life and hope to be able to gain my support from friends and family. Again if you need support of any kind feel free to write or comment. I would love to help in any way possiable.
You take your time in the Denail state.
Sleep more.
Cry if you need.
Convince your self wrong if you need.
Eat your pain away. lol. I always do.
Read that book you put away for the rainy days.
Do all that you need...
Just keep in mind that at some point...
You need to take a good look of reality and Say "Hello".
Hello Reality, I have been avoiding you for some time, but it looks like it time we sat down for some tea.
Good day to you all...
Till next time :)